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Have you ever had someone point out something about yourself that you had never noticed?
Perhaps you have a habit of interrupting people when you become enthusiastic. Perhaps you tend to withdraw when conversations become uncomfortable. Or perhaps you are so accustomed to taking responsibility for everyone else's well-being that you barely notice when you are exhausted. The observation might be accurate. It might be partly accurate. Or it might reveal more about the other person's perspective than it does about you.
Either way, it presents an opportunity to look again. We all have blind spots. The difficulty is that, by definition, we cannot always see them for ourselves.
What is a blind spot? The Johari Window
The Johari Window is a model of self-awareness developed by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham. It describes four areas of awareness based on what is known - or unknown - to ourselves and others.
Open area: things we know about ourselves that other people also know.
Hidden area: things we know about ourselves that other people do not know, such as private worries or unspoken views.
Blind area: things other people notice about us that we have not recognised ourselves.
Unknown area: things that neither we nor others have yet discovered.
The model offers a useful way of thinking about personal development. We are never finished products with a complete understanding of ourselves and there is always a possibility of discovering something new. Sharing something appropriately can make part of what lies in the hidden area known to others. Likewise, useful feedback can help us recognise something in the blind area that we had not previously noticed.
The blind area is particularly interesting because it reminds us that our own perspective is necessarily incomplete. We see ourselves from the inside. Other people experience us from the outside, and there can be a considerable difference between the two.
What we have not recognised is not always a fault. Other people may notice the patience, steadiness or skill that we tend to take for granted.
The Discomfort of Being Seen
Why is it sometimes so difficult to hear what other people have noticed about us? Partly because we may not like what we hear. We might be embarrassed, defensive or worried about what the observation implies. If someone tells us that we regularly dismiss their concerns, we may immediately begin listing all the times we have listened carefully. If someone says that we become defensive when criticised, we might argue that the criticism was unfair.
Sometimes our objections are justified. Feedback is not automatically correct simply because somebody expresses it confidently. But sometimes our defensiveness prevents us from considering something that deserves our attention. It can help to pause and take time to reflect before deciding what, if anything, is accurate or useful in an observation.
What exactly has the person noticed?
Does it fit with anything else you have experienced?
Have other people raised similar concerns?
Could there be a pattern here worth examining?
We do not have to accept every criticism, but we do need to be willing to investigate the possibility that there is something we have missed. As uncomfortable as it may be, the willingness to investigate can help our self-awareness expand.
Not Every Reflection Is Accurate
There is a complication here, as other people have blind spots, too, and they bring their own histories, assumptions, fears and expectations to their observations of us. Someone who finds disagreement uncomfortable might interpret a reasonable challenge as aggression. Someone who expects others to take care of their feelings might see a healthy boundary as selfishness. Their experience is real enough, but their interpretation may not be telling the whole story.
This means we need to avoid two extremes: we should not dismiss uncomfortable feedback simply because it hurts, and equally, we should not treat another person's opinion as an unquestionable verdict. The challenge is to examine the evidence.
Firstly, consider the relationship in which the feedback arises:
Is the person generally trustworthy?
Can they acknowledge their own mistakes?
Are they interested in mutual understanding, or do they seem determined to establish that you are at fault?
The relationship provides context, but the observation still needs to be considered on its own merits. Look for patterns where possible, while recognising that a specific incident may also deserve attention. Sometimes the most useful response is to gain further information and ask for specific examples such as: “What did you notice? … What happened next? … How did it affect you?”
Specific observations give us something to consider, whereas general accusations can leave us defending our entire character.
Expanding the Open Area
Whilst the Johari Window suggests that self-awareness can grow when we are willing to share more of ourselves appropriately and receive feedback from others, it does not mean disclosing everything to everyone. Trust, privacy and context matter. Nor does it mean constantly asking other people to tell us who we are. It means developing relationships in which honest observations can be exchanged without either person needing to be right all the time.
If you want to try this out you might begin with someone you trust and ask a straightforward question:
Is there a pattern in my behaviour that you think I might not recognise?
Then listen to the answer, asking for an example if necessary and giving yourself time to consider it before responding. This may take days rather than minutes or hours. You may discover something worth changing or you may decide that the observation does not fit the evidence. Or perhaps you will find that the conversation reveals a misunderstanding between the two of you. All three outcomes can be useful.
The point is not to collect criticisms or become preoccupied with how other people see you. It’s to develop a more accurate picture of yourself. The same curiosity applies to the people around you. We all have areas of awareness that are incomplete. We can offer observations, but we can’t decide in advance what another person should conclude from them.
Self-awareness is not a destination at which we finally know everything about ourselves. It is an ongoing willingness to notice, question and learn, even when that takes us beyond the comfort of who we think we are. The more accurately we see ourselves, the better placed we are to understand our part in the world around us and make considered choices about how we respond.
What would help you consider an observation about yourself without either dismissing it or accepting it as the whole truth?
